Just Thoughts and Nothing Else

I sit some days and reflect on my life and all it has shown me. I think of the things that I have been taught throughout my life through; Love, disappointment, embarrassment, shame, hatred, abuse, hurt, laughter, breathless moments, tenderness, compassion, pride, honesty, and the comfort of family and friends.
As I think of these things, I see where it has taken me, who I have become or grown into.
So when I think about the Life is for the Living statement, I wonder sometimes where my family went the day my husband passed away? I wonder sometimes why without my husband no longer in my life why I am not seen as a person who stands alone? A person who has feelings, who wants to live and feel life again and all it has to offer! Why I have become nothing without my other half?
I know that my friends and family love me, I know that they care about me and yet I feel so alone in my struggle to move on. I feel this great emptiness that my children can't fill because they have a life I once had when I was viable and accepted but only accepted because I was a part of something not because I was an individual, a person unique unto myself.
A person who is strong, independent and able to leap tall buildings in a single bound, but I am nothing now that I have no other half...
Should I have died the day my husband passed away? Should I have given up on life just because he didn't have a chance to continue on? Should I always think that I wasn't in this world to make a difference or make a statement?
Or should I just think that I am a force to be reckoned with and I can make a difference and I am that person who was something before, and still am a very viable and a Living soul.
I wish I didn't turn into the child of a child syndrome that I believe I am seeing.
What time are you coming home, where are you going and with whom?
Just because I am independent and able to cope with life and death, why have I become insignificant? Why is not okay for me to move on? Why am I not acceptable without my husband?
I am a person with so many feelings and so much that I still want to do and express and yet the bursting in my soul is overwhelming. I think, I breathe and therefore I am is who I feel like!
I didn't choose these paths in my life that I have been given, but they are there and I must follow them. I must understand them. I must keep taking those paths of life as God had planned for me.
I believe that the moving on for my children is hard because they feel they are being disloyal to their fathers memory if they allow their mother to move on, and it is another harsh realization that their father is no longer with us! "Dear God, he's really never coming home"........
I believe that me moving on is just not the right time for them, but I ask myself when is the right time or will there ever be a right time?
I believe that I have never been a self centered person and I have always in every circumstance put my family above my own needs. I put their father above my own needs, desires, and dreams! I loved him unselfishly even through all the bad times. I always took the families needs, wants, & dreams into consideration first and foremost. I give and give to my family and maybe they sometimes just can't see all that I have done for them throughout their lives. Maybe they have not matured enough yet to see where I am at? Maybe their lives are just so full with young children and daily activities that they just don't need any more drama coming at them from any more places in their lives? I was there once, I lived their lives once. but to forget where you came from and how much I was a huge part of their lives, how I and their father together taught them some good lessons in life and taught them that family is always going to be there for you when the rest of the world walks away, so how did they forget I am STILL HERE!!!!!
I don't need a lot of their time, I just need to know that they approve of me, that they know that I will inevitably make the right decisions and even if I don't, I will pay the consequences for my actions in my life, I will never expect them to.
So as I reflect on the beauty that I have been blessed to receive in my life, I reflect on a life that needs to make that circle of life keep evolving, keep moving forward, keep changing. Whether my changes are good or bad, I am the keeper of my soul and I think it's pretty valuable so I'll be watching out for it, but I will never expect more from them but their support in all my endeavors of my future. I will expect that they care enough about me to see that it's okay for me to be happy again.

So as I move forward as I've always tried to do in my life, I know that I will have battles to win or loose, I will have rewards and disappointments as always, I will have excitement, fun, love, laughter, tears of sadness and tears of joy, but as long as my family and friends are always beside me, I will have all I've ever needed to keep being ME!