Just Thoughts and Nothing Else

This time of year for me is my most romantic season. Something about the change in the air, trees, and fall colors has always attracted me to this time of year making it my favorite. Winter can be so commercial like and the spring can seem bland with nothing in full bloom. But the fall colors are beautiful, change is intriguing and I can't say enough about the vibrant colors especially in my neck of the woods, the tree lined skies are breath taking. I was up late one night, couldn't sleep, and was thinking about incorporating a holiday tradition into my love of the fall season. At Christmas I make a list of all the holiday movies my family and I watch; Christmas Vacation, Miracle on 34th Street, etc. So what if I made a list of my most loved romantic, chick flick movies? I could stay up late on the weekend evenings, with a glass of wine, buttered popcorn (real butter only please), and a warm snugly blanket. I would most certainly be left to myself seeing how I'm the only female in the house, the boys (husband included) would be running in the opposite direction of me. So I'd have it all to myself. There are so many movies I could list, "Heartburn" with Meryl Streep & Jack Nicholson, "Romeo and Juliet" (the original black & white version), "Weathering Heights", "Roman Holiday" & "Sabrina" with Audrey Hepburn, the list goes on. Too long in fact that I may need to shorten it up and save some for the next year, or maybe make it my top ten favorites only. However I work it out I am looking forward to it. I'm not a big T.V. watcher and for the most part I can see a movie once and that's it.But some movies are unforgettable, and those are the ones I don't mind watching over and over again. I do think my new tradition would be more fun if I had someone to share it with. Someone who could appreciate the time spent like me, but since I don't, I'm not going to sit around waiting for that day to never come. I'm going to enjoy it all on my own!

COMMITMENT VS. PROMISE
It is a question of semantics, and here is my definition of terms:PROMISE: Verbally stated future intention to perform a specific act.
- I promise to pick up your dry cleaning and not forget this time - I promise to be exclusive in our relationship
COMMITMENT: Both a FACT demonstrated by behavior, and an ATTITUDE consisting of thoughts and beliefs.
- I am committed to keeping my promises - I am committed to our relationship
In short, a promise is something you say, and a commitment is something you do. A promise is situation-specific. A commitment is contextual.
A promise is a small commitment. If a potential partner doesn't keep promises, I would question their ability to keep commitments, as they are definitely related.
CONFUSION ABOUT COMMITMENT

The larger picture though, is that I see a lot of confusion about the status of today's relationships.   "What is commitment?"
When you are married, it is clear you are in a committed relationship. Your commitment is a legal contract and a publicly witnessed FACT. However, it is common for couples in trouble for one or both partners to have an uncommitted ATTITUDE.
I have talked with many unmarried people, who have described themselves in "committed relationships." They clearly have the attitude, but often have nothing but verbal promises (and sometimes not even that!) to demonstrate that the relationship is committed.
IN MY OPINION, YOU ARE -NOT- IN A COMMITTED RELATIONSHIP IF:
1. Your partner is not aware your relationship is committed
2. You are wondering if this relationship is committed
3. You and your partner have differences of opinion about the status of your relationship
4. Your family and friends have different perceptions about the status of your relationship
5. You and your partner have not acted to explicitly formalize your commitment in some way
6. You are relying on verbal promises without a significant track record of them being kept
A commitment is explicit and unambiguous. (defined; not ambiguous: clear, distinct, sharp, unequivocal, unmistakable. )   A commitment is a formal event of some kind between two people. A commitment is something you DO over time. A real commitment is usually legally enforceable and there are consequences for breaking it.
And, for a relationship to be truly committed, there are no exits- mentally, emotionally, or physically. When the going gets rough, you make it work.
CONTINUUM OF COMMITMENT
Commitment is not a light switch that goes from "off" to "on." When building a relationship with someone, the level of commitment gradually increases.
Then you have all the shades of gray. living together, dating exclusively for more than a year, even engaged to be married, that might look and feel like commitment, but is it really?
FACT VS. ATTITUDE
Commitment in a relationship is complicated in that it takes two people, and it requires an alignment of FACT (events, actions) and ATTITUDE (thoughts, beliefs) for both of them.
It is common to be committed in fact (e.g. "married") but not in attitude (e.g. "I'm not sure this is the right relationship for me").
It is also common to be pre-committed in fact (e.g. dating exclusively) and committed in attitude (e.g. "This is 'The One!' ").
I have found that the most important variable determining anyone's future success is their level of commitment to the relationship.
In my experience, when couples are committed in fact, but not in attitude, their prognosis is poor.
Then, there are the pre-committed couples that generally fall into two categories-
UNCONSCIOUS- typically following the "mini-marriage" model of trying the relationship out, acting committed without actually making the commitment. A disconnect of fact and attitude.
CONSCIOUS- aware that they are not yet committed, usually have commitment as a goal, asking themselves "Is this the right relationship for me? Should I make a commitment?" An alignment of fact and attitude.
CONCLUSION
So, when is a relationship committed?
-- When there is an alignment of fact and attitude.
What creates the "fact" of commitment?
I propose these three criterion:
CRITERIA #1: Promises made to each other about the permanent nature of the relationship that are kept
CRITERIA #2: Explicit, formal, public declaration
CRITERIA #3: Unambiguous to partners and others
In today's world, if all three of the above are met, I would say it is a committed relationship, whether legally married or not.

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1. How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?
2. Which is worse, failing or never trying?
3. If life is so short, why do we do so many things we don’t like and like so many things we don’t do?
4. When it’s all said and done, will you have said more than you’ve done?
5. What is the one thing you’d most like to change about the world?
6. If happiness was the national currency, what kind of work would make you rich?
7. Are you doing what you believe in, or are you settling for what you are doing?
8. If the average human life span was 40 years, how would you live your life differently?
9. To what degree have you actually controlled the course your life has taken?
10. Are you more worried about doing things right, or doing the right things?

Please post comments with answers to your questions.

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Hmmmmm?????????        


Absolutely! Men and women can be friends. Having said that, it’s usually because they’re at different stages in their lives or there are practicalities – including marriage and living too far away from each other –- that stand in the way of romantic involvement.

Often, when men and women are friends, they’ve already had a relationship and diffused the sexual energy they used to generate. The romance is over, but they have a history and sense of ease with each other that they want to maintain.          

Sometimes, they’ve worked closely together, met each other through family members, or known each other since childhood. Whatever the circumstances, the familiarity and certain common denominators make them feel like brother and sister. They can be themselves with each other. They don’t feel any pressure to put on airs, impress, or to look their best all the time.

And then of course there are friends who simply have different sexual orientations.

People question whether men and women can really be friends because, for the most part, men aren’t looking to add more women to their friendship roster any more than women are looking to add more men to theirs. Everyone is looking for his or her one and only. But until they find him or her, lots of people are enjoying the newest category of friendship, most commonly known as friends with benefits. You’re not just friends because you’re having sex. You feel comfortable together and have a good sexual connection, but you don’t have all the other ingredients to make it the love of your life.

If you have an opposite sex friend that you love to hang out with, one of you may want to keep the option open for a sexual connection, if not right now, then perhaps some time in the future. Most mixed sex friendships start out as friends with possibilities, and that’s why they’re so tricky. Your friendly flirtation, witty banter, and mutual admiration keep the undercurrent of sexual tension flowing. The possibilities are spicy and open ended, even when you know that, at this point, there’s no way you’re going to take it further because you’re already involved with someone else, or he is.

Food for Thought: If you’re in an exclusive relationship, and you don’t want to introduce your new friend to your mate, you gotta ask yourself, “Is this just a friendship?” Or, “Is he a friend with possibilities?”

Because friendship is based on mutual attraction -- you like each other – and on compatibility -- it’s fun to spend time together, the potential for romance is ripe. Attraction and compatibility are the building blocks for close relationships, so the bridge from friendship to romance is already built. The big question is when, if ever, it will be crossed.

A lot of people think their friendship could be more, but are afraid to take the chance to find out. They don’t want to risk or lose the good things they have together, so they keep the status quo and the fantasy alive. But sometimes, the truth is so blatant that you both have to admit you’re falling in love. In “When Harry Met Sally”, they eventually became so stuck on each other that they always had to share the nitty gritty details of their lives. They had a heart-to-heart bond that can become the crazy glue of lasting love. And remember that when they first met, they didn’t even like each other! Many times, for lots of couples it’s anything but love at first sight.

The bond between friends is forged with acceptance, understanding, respect, trust, and caring – which are, in fact, the same ingredients in the recipe for love. The only thing missing is sexual chemistry. And while everyone thinks that chemistry and attraction must be there from the start, that’s a myth. For many friends, it’s a tender moment, a gesture of affection, or a thoughtful action that kindles the flame and takes them across the bridge. Suddenly, they feel cared about, supported, and loved in a way that makes them feel special and unique. Just like Harry and Sally, they realize they’re in love and want to always be together.

So, the bottom line is that men and women can be friends, but the bridge to romance – and the possibility of crossing it - almost always exists. 

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If you ever thought about courage before you know sometimes what it takes to have it even when you have such fear in your heart to stand up and be present!

I feel for people who have had great fears in their lives because I know of such fear and I think most of us do.  I think of people who have a  handicap, because even though they have overcome the fear of their handicap, they sometimes can't get past the fear of just entering a room filled with strangers because of the fear of being laughed at, judged, or talked about.
Maybe their fear when entering a room is just the fear of not being humiliated by their own handicap because no one can actually see what it is!




I feel for people who fear walking into a room just because they are afraid of crowds, or maybe of leaving the safety of their own home.  Maybe they feel people are judging them on how they look, act or maybe just because they've changed their weight over the years?











It takes courage to do what our firefighters and our men/women in the service of our country do.
So as brave as they appear to be, there is always fear in our hearts for something.

So when I think of Courage, I know that we all have fears and for all of us it takes courage some days just to get up and face another day of fears!
Whatever the case may be, whatever the pain in your stomach can feel like, keep taking those risks, keep facing that fear, keep up your courage because people aren't as bad as we think they are, and maybe you'll be surprised to find out that the majority of them have good, kind hearts and aren't thinking about us at all, but rather just trying to be kind and understanding of us.

It's really our fear, not theirs. People just aren't as bad as we can imagine. 

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To all the Friends in my life!

Often I think about the people I've met throughout my life and the ones that have become my friends and have always been there for me through thick and thin.
I dedicate this song to you!


Just remember, Friends aren't just people who are related by blood, but are the people who love you even more sometimes than your blood relatives.  I have known many and have remained friends with most.  Sometimes you lose track of people you love in your life because your lives are so busy as your children are growing, but if you lose sight of the fact that you do still have to contact them through the years because they are the ones that will be there again when all your children have grown and you start spending more time with the friends and relatives you once knew as a young person, now that you are older.
Be wise and remember that people come in and out of your life for a reason.  Whether it is to teach you something, make you experience something, or just plain touch your heart in one way or another!
Love and cherish all that you have been taught, all that you have realized, and all that you have loved along the way.  They will be the memories that you will think of when you least expect it!

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