"Just Me"
September 25, 2010
"Commitment"
Saturday, September 25, 2010 | 
Posted by
Anonymous
COMMITMENT VS. PROMISE
It is a question of semantics, and here is my definition of terms:PROMISE: Verbally stated future intention to perform a specific act.
- I promise to pick up your dry cleaning and not forget this time - I promise to be exclusive in our relationship
COMMITMENT: Both a FACT demonstrated by behavior, and an ATTITUDE consisting of thoughts and beliefs.
- I am committed to keeping my promises - I am committed to our relationship
In short, a promise is something you say, and a commitment is something you do. A promise is situation-specific. A commitment is contextual.
A promise is a small commitment. If a potential partner doesn't keep promises, I would question their ability to keep commitments, as they are definitely related.
CONFUSION ABOUT COMMITMENT
The larger picture though, is that I see a lot of confusion about the status of today's relationships. "What is commitment?"
When you are married, it is clear you are in a committed relationship. Your commitment is a legal contract and a publicly witnessed FACT. However, it is common for couples in trouble for one or both partners to have an uncommitted ATTITUDE.
I have talked with many unmarried people, who have described themselves in "committed relationships." They clearly have the attitude, but often have nothing but verbal promises (and sometimes not even that!) to demonstrate that the relationship is committed.
IN MY OPINION, YOU ARE -NOT- IN A COMMITTED RELATIONSHIP IF:
1. Your partner is not aware your relationship is committed
2. You are wondering if this relationship is committed
3. You and your partner have differences of opinion about the status of your relationship
4. Your family and friends have different perceptions about the status of your relationship
5. You and your partner have not acted to explicitly formalize your commitment in some way
6. You are relying on verbal promises without a significant track record of them being kept
A commitment is explicit and unambiguous. (defined; not ambiguous: clear, distinct, sharp, unequivocal, unmistakable. ) A commitment is a formal event of some kind between two people. A commitment is something you DO over time. A real commitment is usually legally enforceable and there are consequences for breaking it.
And, for a relationship to be truly committed, there are no exits- mentally, emotionally, or physically. When the going gets rough, you make it work.
CONTINUUM OF COMMITMENT
Commitment is not a light switch that goes from "off" to "on." When building a relationship with someone, the level of commitment gradually increases.
Then you have all the shades of gray. living together, dating exclusively for more than a year, even engaged to be married, that might look and feel like commitment, but is it really?
FACT VS. ATTITUDE
Commitment in a relationship is complicated in that it takes two people, and it requires an alignment of FACT (events, actions) and ATTITUDE (thoughts, beliefs) for both of them.
It is common to be committed in fact (e.g. "married") but not in attitude (e.g. "I'm not sure this is the right relationship for me").
It is also common to be pre-committed in fact (e.g. dating exclusively) and committed in attitude (e.g. "This is 'The One!' ").
I have found that the most important variable determining anyone's future success is their level of commitment to the relationship.
In my experience, when couples are committed in fact, but not in attitude, their prognosis is poor.
Then, there are the pre-committed couples that generally fall into two categories-
UNCONSCIOUS- typically following the "mini-marriage" model of trying the relationship out, acting committed without actually making the commitment. A disconnect of fact and attitude.
CONSCIOUS- aware that they are not yet committed, usually have commitment as a goal, asking themselves "Is this the right relationship for me? Should I make a commitment?" An alignment of fact and attitude.
CONCLUSION
So, when is a relationship committed?
-- When there is an alignment of fact and attitude.
What creates the "fact" of commitment?
I propose these three criterion:
CRITERIA #1: Promises made to each other about the permanent nature of the relationship that are kept
CRITERIA #2: Explicit, formal, public declaration
CRITERIA #3: Unambiguous to partners and others
In today's world, if all three of the above are met, I would say it is a committed relationship, whether legally married or not.
By:
It is a question of semantics, and here is my definition of terms:PROMISE: Verbally stated future intention to perform a specific act.
- I promise to pick up your dry cleaning and not forget this time - I promise to be exclusive in our relationship
COMMITMENT: Both a FACT demonstrated by behavior, and an ATTITUDE consisting of thoughts and beliefs.
- I am committed to keeping my promises - I am committed to our relationship
In short, a promise is something you say, and a commitment is something you do. A promise is situation-specific. A commitment is contextual.
A promise is a small commitment. If a potential partner doesn't keep promises, I would question their ability to keep commitments, as they are definitely related.
CONFUSION ABOUT COMMITMENT
The larger picture though, is that I see a lot of confusion about the status of today's relationships. "What is commitment?"
When you are married, it is clear you are in a committed relationship. Your commitment is a legal contract and a publicly witnessed FACT. However, it is common for couples in trouble for one or both partners to have an uncommitted ATTITUDE.
I have talked with many unmarried people, who have described themselves in "committed relationships." They clearly have the attitude, but often have nothing but verbal promises (and sometimes not even that!) to demonstrate that the relationship is committed.
IN MY OPINION, YOU ARE -NOT- IN A COMMITTED RELATIONSHIP IF:
1. Your partner is not aware your relationship is committed
2. You are wondering if this relationship is committed
3. You and your partner have differences of opinion about the status of your relationship
4. Your family and friends have different perceptions about the status of your relationship
5. You and your partner have not acted to explicitly formalize your commitment in some way
6. You are relying on verbal promises without a significant track record of them being kept
A commitment is explicit and unambiguous. (defined; not ambiguous: clear, distinct, sharp, unequivocal, unmistakable. ) A commitment is a formal event of some kind between two people. A commitment is something you DO over time. A real commitment is usually legally enforceable and there are consequences for breaking it.
And, for a relationship to be truly committed, there are no exits- mentally, emotionally, or physically. When the going gets rough, you make it work.
CONTINUUM OF COMMITMENT
Commitment is not a light switch that goes from "off" to "on." When building a relationship with someone, the level of commitment gradually increases.
Then you have all the shades of gray. living together, dating exclusively for more than a year, even engaged to be married, that might look and feel like commitment, but is it really?
FACT VS. ATTITUDE
Commitment in a relationship is complicated in that it takes two people, and it requires an alignment of FACT (events, actions) and ATTITUDE (thoughts, beliefs) for both of them.
It is common to be committed in fact (e.g. "married") but not in attitude (e.g. "I'm not sure this is the right relationship for me").
It is also common to be pre-committed in fact (e.g. dating exclusively) and committed in attitude (e.g. "This is 'The One!' ").
I have found that the most important variable determining anyone's future success is their level of commitment to the relationship.
In my experience, when couples are committed in fact, but not in attitude, their prognosis is poor.
Then, there are the pre-committed couples that generally fall into two categories-
UNCONSCIOUS- typically following the "mini-marriage" model of trying the relationship out, acting committed without actually making the commitment. A disconnect of fact and attitude.
CONSCIOUS- aware that they are not yet committed, usually have commitment as a goal, asking themselves "Is this the right relationship for me? Should I make a commitment?" An alignment of fact and attitude.
CONCLUSION
So, when is a relationship committed?
-- When there is an alignment of fact and attitude.
What creates the "fact" of commitment?
I propose these three criterion:
CRITERIA #1: Promises made to each other about the permanent nature of the relationship that are kept
CRITERIA #2: Explicit, formal, public declaration
CRITERIA #3: Unambiguous to partners and others
In today's world, if all three of the above are met, I would say it is a committed relationship, whether legally married or not.
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