Just Thoughts and Nothing Else

Today I found another great dish from that great magazine that I made the cookies from the other day and of course I've got a bunch of great taste testers.

I changed it up a little from the magazine but that's because we had company and I doubled everything and that left me short on the cheese portion of the recipe and because of that I discovered the change was really a good one. I am going to give you the breakdown of a single recipe which probably feeds six.

Okay, here's where I changed it a bit and everyone thought if I had put in just the velveeta it would have been too cheesy and this was creamy and yet you could still taste the cheesiness.
Instead of 1 lb velveeta I would use 1/2 lb and then 4 oz cream cheese and 4 oz american cheese. Of course you can use all the velveeta and see for yourself, and who knows, it might be just as good.
I think what's really great about this soup is the kick it has because of the rotel with chiles.
Then on top we crunch up some nacho chips for garnish and a little chive too if you wish.
We topped it all of with a little fresh bread to dip into it and mmmmmmmmm good!

Have fun and enjoy because again this was an easy, fast recipe. I whipped it up after just getting back from the grocery store and dinner was ready in a 1/2 hour.

By: Janice

Today I've decided that I like this magazine I picked up yesterday and it was called MixingBowl.com It had this absolutely wonderful cupcake on the front cover. I knew I just had to buy the magazine so that I could make that cupcake ASAP.
Well, when I got home I started thumbing through this magazine and found so many wonderful sounding recipes I thought I would start with what I knew for sure I had in the house to try.

Wow, first recipe was "Billies Mud Pie Cookies"

I am not a chocolate loving person but it's what I had in the house and I know I have lots of tasters around my house to give the chocolate lovers in them a treat.
I have 3 grandsons living with me temporarily and my son and his wife.
What a treat having all of them to keep me company and help me so much around the house.
Even more than anything, they like to try out my recipes and they seem to like all of them so far. I think it's great having such adorable taste testers and God only knows what they are doing for my ego....
You see, I love to cook but only when I feel like it. Then of course I go kind of crazy and cook up maybe 5-10 things in a day and then I'm having them try everything. It's a good thing that Cookies are one of their favorites to try.

I'm not sure on the difference between rolled oats, quick cook oats, and steel cut oats but in this recipe I used quick cooking oats because that's what I had.
Oh, one other thing, our family has lots of allergies so because of that, I never cook anything or mix anything in my home with nuts in it so I eliminated that out of Billies recipe, but I'm sure they would be a nice addition if you can have them.
I whipped up a batch really fast because the recipe was pretty easy.
(Thanks Billy) No waiting for the dough to rest or cool or anything, just cream the butter and sugars, added the egg and vanilla and then I added all the dry ingredients and in twelve minutes this is what they looked like.
I guess I should take some lessons on "the taking pictures part", but you can't be good at everything!

I cooled them down a bit and then called the cookie testers and much to my surprise, I got "Grandma, I don't know how you make such good things all the time" That's from my eldest grandson who is twelve. Isn't he cute? Then I let the 10 year old try them and he said "You're going to Hollywood Grandma" (American Idol) He's pretty cute with his comments. Most times he tells me "it's delicioso" I guess that meant they were pretty good from him too. My son said "They're allright" but of course, he made me leave the plate of them with him and the family. My daughter in law said these are really delicious and chocolaty. She also said that my other daughter in law would absolutely loves them too.
My other daughter in law is my other cookie, appetizer and food tester of all times. She is sometimes a hard one to please, and always trying to get me to add more cinnamon to everything or cayenne, but she'll never lie to me just to spare my feelings.

So I have to say, "Go ahead and give them a try, they are easy and everyone around here loved them"

All I know, is that you never mind cooking and adding love into the ingredients, when you know you'll get so much love in return.
So as long as your pantry keeps getting filled back up with love, you'll never be short of love in your ingredients for the next time you cook!
Happy Cooking!
js










By:Janice

sWhat a day and night and morning again.
I took a small trip to see my grandsons (well at least 3 of the 10 grandsons I have) and it's always a great experience.
I came to be with them overnight because they wanted me to come to their school for a "share lunch with your grandparents day."
They are such a treat! They never stop moving and talking and rolling around on the floor wrestling either.
Sometimes I don't know how my daughter keeps up with them anymore! I guess I don't get how any of my kids and their wives keep up with it anymore because all of my kids have three children each and it's quite the job!!
I guess I forget that I had four children and had to do all this too, but it seems so long ago.
She's starting to learn how much they cost just to feed them. The grocery bills are getting unbelievable. Add to that, that she always has the responsibility of making sure that every single product she brings in this house neither has high allergens in them or is cross contaminated by any allergens as well.

They love to wake up with the hopes that they will have the distinctive One Feather that always seems to be part of what my hair does every morning! They also love for me to touch their faces with my very soft hands as they say. Grandmas hands are the softest in the world! Just feel they keep saying to each other.
They are 8, 6 & 5 and might I add, just plain adorable! They tell me about everything that has been going on in their lives for the last month or so since my last visit.

Enjoy all you can those hectic crazy days all you mothers, because in a blink of an eye, you become a grandmother and it's a whole new life experience in itself.
It's not that it isn't even more wonderful to be a grandma, but the difference is you wish you would have just put things down just a little more often and not worried about cleaning the house or making that bed because they grow up all too fast. It just seems that before you know it without warning they are off getting married and having children of their own.

They all are so special each in their own ways, and I love them so much and they give complete joy and happiness to my life.

I just wish it were a little easier for my daughter and all she has to do because they have so many allergies, but she seems to be able to handle all that God trusted her with and she seems to also thrive on it.

Being a mom surely isn't an easy job, but in the end it just might be the most rewarding job in the world!!!

By:Janice

Janice



When I see flowers I think of Spring and Smile.

When it's cold outside and you just can't stand the thought of one more day of winter, just look at pictures of spring and summer and just know that it always returns to bring back the flowers and birds that make you smile.

Think back to spring and summer and hear the children playing and all will be warm again.

When I think of the thought of letting go of anything, I think of all the many times we all have let go of something or someone!

Just think of a child that is learning to walk? The first time they let go of their parents hands to take that first couple of steps. Then think as they grow a little more and they have to let go of that pacifier? Or the bottle? Then that first time they go off to pre-school or kindergarten and they let go of your hand with braveness written all over their little faces and who cries more?
Then they go off to school one day and won't let you give them their good bye kisses for the day because the other kids will see. They have let go of that security of that good bye kiss.

Then the day comes when they find a boyfriend/girlfriend and you remain behind as their once favorite girl/boy in their life, because they've found another.
Then they are off to college and you have to let go of them to a strange new world and some of their belongings leave with them which makes it even more devasting because this makes it real and you have to let go. Their room is empty and you wonder how will they ever take care of themselves? What if, what if, what if.?????

They come home after all the what if's, and start a new career and suddenly they are off again and letting go of the security of home only after they've landed that perfect job and decide they are way to mature and self sufficient to live at home any more so they are off again and get their own apartment or condo or house.
Now, they find that special someone that fills their lives and makes them think that they will be able to hold on forever!

Life happens while we wait for the forever to happen, and sometimes people leave us because it's a relationship that just didn't work out or because of divorce, or they leave us because God has taken them to a better place!

We don't sometimes understand how to let go in any of these circumstances. Relationships have the one partner that seems to hang on for dear life, or it has no one hanging on at all and it's a mutual understanding of sorts, but those relationships that hang on because one partner never saw it coming and even if they did, they just didn't want to fail or to think that they failed because of something they could have done. But eventually when relationships fail, letting go is inevitable and it's something we must do...

Then you have Divorce. Letting go gets tough sometimes then because you have memories involved or children and you don't want to let your children down because of something you did or your spouse did to ruin what once was beautiful...But again, letting go becomes inevitable because if you don't, you will never find peace. Plus the fact that it makes it so hard for the kids.
Letting go is letting go of your feelings, letting go of their hand, letting go and making them stand on their own. Letting go of the promise you made to each other. Letting go of the piece of your heart that belonged solely to them.

Then you have a loved one passing and that's a whole different kind of letting go, because you never have the option of even passing them again on the street, or fighting with them about picking up the kids late, or how much you had to pay this month in child support or alimony.
You only have the extreme loneliness, the heartache, the years of feeling like you don't belong anymore! You always have the feeling that you are a fifth wheel or that you are no good to anyone without your partner of life.....People start to judge you in a way because they think that because you were married you were partners forever! They don't like that you might be thinking of moving on with your life and that's not right of you!
Especially when there are children or even adult children involved. I ask this, should the spouse that was left behind died too when their spouse died? Should you have just thrown yourself in the grave beside him? Should you ever take a deep breath again or be judged that you started too soon at moving on with your life? Just so that you could feel like taking those baby steps and breathing and smiling and feeling again?

When is ever the right time in any situation of life, whether a baby letting go of it's mothers hand or the time when your spouse is gone from your life and you weren't given a choice?
Letting go is not an easy process for anyone, but it is a process in life that we all must handle because "It is what It is!"

So as you go through life and you have to make that choice of letting go, let know man or woman judge you as to if you are right or wrong. Your child was not given the choice that you would let go of them with that first step no more than you were given a choice when a loved one passed on and you had to learn to breathe all over again.

Let no one judge you in any way, because they must stand and be judged too for the things they have done in their lives.
Let no one tell you that you were wrong for letting your child try to walk too soon and they got a bump on their head, or the child that you sent off to college missed out on many opportunities because you weren't there to guide them or to keep them from harm.
Nor you letting go of a spouse to move on in any circumstance. Letting go is part of life.

Letting go makes everyone move forward, move ahead, move on!

The choice is not always yours to make, but is a choice you sometimes have to make. It is a choice that let's us take that first step, and have that first kiss.

"So always remember it's okay to let go, no matter what the future holds for that one quick decision or that long thought out one, because you will not be judged for letting go,
but rather more for not!"
js

Life is good at any age!

Wow, time away. I can't believe after all the Holidays I'm going to get a chance to get away with a girlfriend I've had since I'm in 7th Grade! What a great invitation to receive from her and her husband.

Friends are people of many walks of life. They come to you at different times in your life and each one makes an impression on your heart. Someway, somehow, each one is so different. Each one is unique in their own way. Each one although different made a friend of you. How is it that one person is blessed to have so many friends of different personalities ? How did you get so lucky you say to yourself.

I like to think sometimes about the differences in my own friends. Such different personalities and I couldn't love any one of them any better than the other because I love them for their differences.

Some friends are friends of solice. Some friends are friends that you find you can tell funny off color jokes with and others you can't. Some friends like coffee and some tea. Some friends like to drink nothing but soda pop and others milk????
Some friends you tell secrets too that you tell no others and some you just can't tell anything that you want to be kept private. Some friends you laugh uncontrollably with and others you are serious and business like. Some friends are loyal and true to you and others are not.
Some friends are women and some men, they come in many different sizes and shapes and they are happy or maybe they are sad, but when you have friends that you can count on through thick and thin, good or bad, you've got the best friends of all.

Friends are friends when they have made a difference in your life in some small way that proves to be a positive one. If they make you feel good and give you a hug when you need one and always give you a smile every chance they get, they are the best of friends. Then when your friends are there for you in your times of need, they are the best friends of all.

You might have met them 40 years ago or you might have met them yesterday, but treat them all with dignity, respect and love and you will have the best that your heart can hold.
If sometimes they don't have time for you and you think "well, it's not my turn to call, I called them last", remember that you may get days like that too and you surely wouldn't want them to hold that against you and loose a great friend just because of your silly principles.

In life we give and take. In life we win and loose.
So just remember not to take from a friend what you cannot give,
and never loose a friend when you've already won their hearts.

Cherish them and never forget to tell them you love them, because they will be there for you someday when you are all sitting around in a retirement community talking about the lives you had! And don't forget, tomorrow you can talk about the same thing over again and no one will notice because you all forgot what anyone said yesterday, but they never forgot you!!!!

I sit and wonder sometimes when people speak of home! I believe that home to everyone is different. I believe that for some it is in the arms of another. I believe that for some it is the holding of your children in your arms. I believe for some it is a place. I believe that any place on earth is where Home is when you are comfortable and can be yourself!
You always need to feel that you can relax and be who you are first and foremost.....
If ever you can sit back and think about who you are, what you feel and how things in life affect you. You will be capable of finding your home.
When I ask people sometimes where is your home it is like I said, "Different for everyone"
For a child it is usually a place. As we mature and become adults and have children of our own it is many other things.
You may be in the home of your parents and yet every time you are there, the environment of that place doesn't make you comfortable. Is that your home? No. But you go to a friends house and you suddenly feel comfortable and you feel yourself and free. Is that your home? No. But with the friends house, it was only different because the person made you feel different. The person made you feel like you were home! Does this mean your parents weren't your home, probably yes if they were judgmental of you and found so many things about you that they criticized. When you are with a spouse and feel that you cannot be who you are, act how you like, and just be free, then your spouse is not really your home either.
When they say that home is where the heart is, to me it just means whatever makes my heart happy, that is where I am happy and where I can be me! Where I never have to be anyone else but me!
My friends can make me happy therefore that in a sense is a home to me. My children and grandchildren can make me happy so again, that in a sense is home to me. A love in my life that makes me happy and allows me to express and be myself again can make me happy and therefore is a home to me. The pride you feel in yourself makes you happy with who you are and therefore that is a home to me as well.

So in all of this, I feel that home to anyone is where you feel love, happiness, self respect, dignity, pride, and most of all, who you are and who you want to be.
Home may not be the same for all, but home is where your heart and happiness is......

Trust is something that is inherently born within you until someone comes along in your life and promises something to you and then breaks that promise. Sometimes as a child you are pretty easy going and just fluff it off. Sometimes you get sad and whomever it was that broke that promise tries to make it up to you in a different way, so you get over it pretty fast because the new thing that they gave you in place of the broken promise wasn't so bad and might have even been better than what you were promised in the first place.
But........That promise as a child is still there in your head, you didn't erase it, you didn't let go of it and you will always somehow remember it and wonder why someone broke that promise in the first place and why you didn't get or do whatever it was that was promised to you.

Your life keeps moving forward and you are a teenager and you start dating. You get disappointed when someone says they'll go with you somewhere and they don't, or you had plans with your friends to go to a party and suddenly they have to go out with their boyfriends or girlfriends and leave you behind. You have a boyfriend/girlfriend and through the grapevine of pettiness, you find that he/she is seeing another girl/boy and your heart is broken.
You break up with that person and you move on. You move on and find another and maybe the next person in your life is good and truthful but eventually you break up too.
Lots and lots of dates and breakups throughout your dating life, but every one of those promises that were made to you during all those times of uncertainty, builds walls around your exterior brick by brick and the next person in line that attempts to find a way to your heart runs up against resistance. You try to understand that everyone is different but the little signs are there and you start to look as if you are obsessed with that person who is now pledging his/her trustworthiness to you. You call them too often, you don't like that they are out of your site, you call them a dozen times when they are not with you until you have made them quite unsure of who you really are???? Let's face it, you don't know who you are anymore either. But the two of you move on into new directions without one another.

Life moves on again and apparently you've found someone who has as many insecurities as you do or they don't have the insecurities that you do, but they love being with you so your insecurities don't really rear their ugly heads at you because you are getting all the attention you have been seeking, so you are in a good place.
Let's say you maybe even marry this person because you think they just can't be without you and they would never fall out of love with you or cheat on you, or even want to because together forever is the motto that the two of you have decided works forever and you two may be the only two people in the world that believe this!!!

Things are good for awhile and then children come along. You feel less secure in your emotions because children are always taking your time up and you don't have as much time to devote to looking good or paying attention to your spouse as you once did. The doubt you feel at times becomes overwhelming and you feel that because you look haggerd and worn out or you work too many hours to devote any time to your family, that you just don't care anymore or at least it would seem that way to the spouse that thought you would be there romancing them forever!

The little innuendos start rearing their ugly heads and the accusations start to fly from time to time and it starts arguments, fights and walking out much of the time. You sometimes get over it and everyone apologizes and you move on until the next time.
Suddenly one day someone seems totally different, totally not the same person. They start taking care of themselves a little better. They worry how they look when they walk out the door each day and they now either have to work more or go out with their friends a little more.
You notice that they are wearing more cologne or doing their hair different, or they are taking more business trips than they ever took before. They suddenly don't really care if you are upset about them leaving or doing anything that you confront them with, and it almost seems to make them get a smile of sorts on their face because now they have the perfect excuse to walk out, or go out or do whatever it is they were already doing and couldn't justify why, but now you just made it easier for them.
You just opened the door and said, go have some fun because I deserve this type of behavior and because I'm such a bad person for letting life get the best of me at times, I deserve to have this punishment of you making me loose my trust in someone I thought I could depend on for the rest of my life!
I trusted that you would never hurt me, nor would you ever lie to me, or worst of all, never give up on your family who trusted you too.......

Whether a person walks away because of cheating, or incompatibility or finances or just falling out of love, your trust issues are right at hand again and you feel like that little kid again that didn't get what they were promised and you never forgot. Of course you accepted that trade off that you were given for that broken promise as a child, but what is your trade off now?????
You are alone and struggling to fit into life again or you are struggling to just understand why?
You find that whatever you are able to cope with and however you have to survive and move on, you find that you can do it and you bury your trust issues deep inside again never to be forgotten and someday they will rear their ugly heads all over again and pity the poor person who has to deal with them in the future.

So what do people do when they have these trust issues? How do they keep dealing with them and not destroying everything or everyone that comes into their lives as life progresses for them?
How does a person become a person that is whole again and doesn't fear the unknown of a new partner? How does that person understand that not everyone will be that way and there are truly honest people in the world that won't leave when times get bad, or cheat, or fall out of love with you either? How do they know that promises will never be broken again? How do they protect their hearts along with trying to protect themselves from themselves? How do they proceed into a new relationship and not send up red flags all over the place?

What does a person do, not to destroy every single new relationship with having that TRUST issue in their hearts? Does anyone really have the answers? Can a person ever change how you trust someone??? A partner? A lover? A Friend? A co-worker? A mother? A Father? A sibling?

I don't really know, Do you?

Regrets are many
And Goodbyes are never easy!

If I had to say goodbye today, I would have to have regrets. I would regret that I didn’t live my life to it’s fullest and didn’t follow my dreams and hopes and the aspirations of life that passed me by.
I would say that I did’nt challenge myself enough, or that I didn’t see all that I wished and hoped to see.
I would regret that I didn’t share more of my time with strangers or those in need. I would regret that the challenges that I faced weren’t really that hard and maybe I should have responded to them in a different manner so that I didn’t feel so abused at times.
I would have given more time to my mom who sometimes just wanted a small smile or a hug that was meaningful.
I would have understood more of how people hurt so deeply when a loved one dies.
I would have made a real difference in the world by my acts and deeds.

When someone passes they leave this empty hole in your heart that only they were capable of filling. They leave an emptiness in your daily life that you just took for granted some days.
Cherish the memories because that’s what they become. Cherish the moments you shared with them with ones that were also close to them because you can.
Feel that what they left you in life was precious. The time they were here on this earth may not have always been perfect for them, but their greater gift is awaiting them in Heaven.
Remember them for what they gave you with their hearts and their daily struggles.
Remember them for the tattoo they left on your heart to live and dwell there for the rest of your life.
Share with people who knew them, because of all the memories you had of them and they will share theirs with you.

Each person affects another person in different ways and it’s always so wonderful to know what others thought of them too.
Sometimes in the living of every day we forget to say Thank you, or I’m sorry, Or I love you when those are simple words and acts that should never be forgotten. They are words that could have made a difference in that day or that moment and you should never have the regret that you didn’t say something because you didn’t want to sound foolish.
We look at our children sometimes when they’ve messed the house or broken something and we can’t think for that moment that maybe we should have just said “It’s okay”
And maybe there are days when we are in such a hurry that we forget to say “I love you” to our husbands or wives as they walk out that door, and we may find that we regret that for the rest of our lives.
I myself will never have regrets that I didn't say I love you to my children or that I didn’t love my husband enough, or that I didn’t show him love with all I did throughout our lives together, and all I can regret with him is that I couldn’t help him live longer no matter how hard I tried!
In his life he had many struggles, many challenges and yet he felt as if he lived his life

his way! I don’t know that he had regrets, but because he was a man of few words when it came only to his feelings of tenderness, he could have had some for sure.
Sometimes I wished so much that he could share with me all he felt. I wished he could share the thoughts I could see in his eyes. I wished he could have shared with me his inner needs and desires that he just didn’t seem capable of.
But me have regrets, I say NO. not with him. Because I with him was an open book and that’s probably why it was always easy for him to get away with whatever he did, because as far as how much I loved him, he knew it and he used that to his benefit. It’s not that I have regret for that because I needed to be honest with him. I needed to be able to share all my love with him and not have regrets that I didn’t say at least every single day, once a day at least, that I loved him with my heart and soul.
I know one day in particular he finally shared with me that this was very hard for him, that he wondered why God wanted to punish him? Was he really that bad of a person? Did he really deserve something so terrible? Such a punishment in his mind….
I know I loved him dearly, I would and did sacrifice for him throughout our lives together
And yet I wonder if he really ever knew that? I often wondered if he could feel how much I really loved him? How much I cared. How much I wanted to share every facet of my life with him. How I wanted to grow old with him.
The day he passed away, we sat and relaxed outside on our glider, we shared a few glances, we shared a few I Love You’s and we held hands a few times. But mostly I will remember the far away look in his eyes. The wondering in his eyes that told me he was
scared! His fear was there and yet he didn’t want anyone to see it Ever.!!!!!!!!!!
I knew this look in his eyes because I knew who he really was, I knew his heart and yet I couldn’t save him. I couldn’t keep him from harm. I couldn’t tell him and convince him that everything will be all right!
So in my regrets, I will not have regrets that I didn’t love him enough, because I loved him with my heart and soul. I loved him through bad times as well as good.
He will forever be tattooed on my heart his memory, his love, his strength, and the love we were able to share. The children and grandchildren we shared and the memories we made.
So goodbyes are never easy, but in life they are necessary

To find peace and serenity you only have to look within yourself! You have it there because God placed it there when he created you.
Remember when you were a child and how the simple things brought joy to your life? Remember thinking about just another day to go out and play? Remember when going to the next birthday party was all you could think about? Remember when getting together with your cousins was the best day of your life? Remember playing in your sprinkler until you couldn't even run around anymore was the only thing in your head? Those were the days of peace and serenity. Those were the days that you didn't have all life's worries or concerns at all. You could see each moment in that moment! You could see that nothing was more important than what was going on right then and there! Nothing could interfere with the innocence of your thoughts!
Some days now can also be that way as an adult. Yes there is a possibility that you can find those times again if you look beyond all the chaos of your life.
You need to look beyond the noise and the clutter and get to that place in your mind that once gave you the peace and serenity to see things as they were right then and there and nothing else. You need to find your place of solice and visit it every now and then. It could be a place that you found that let's you find peace when you are there, or it could be in the sound of your child's laughter, or it could be in the arms of someone you love. It could be as simple as a thought of anything that just makes you smile but it is within you and you need to say it's time for me to stop and smell the roses. It's time for me to understand all that is going on in my life and somehow find that peace and serenity again.
The innocence of a child is the peace that you seek. If only you could stop for awhile and throw the cell phones down, and not worry for even a moment about anything but what is right in front of you. If only you could stop long enough to take a deep breath and find the tranquility of life before you. Stop and look at a tree leaf, see the complexities of it, and try to see the beauty of how it was created, where it was created. Stop and look at a bird as it sits on a tree branch and try to see the wonder of it all. Then think of the child that may be right in front of you causing havoc in your life and then go back in time and see the love that they were created from. The miracle of their birth. The moment in time when you held them for the first time.
You watched them as they grew. You found beauty in the moment they discovered their toes for the first time. The moment you had to send them off to school for the first time.
So as you look to go back and find peace and serenity, you just have to go back in your mind to the times in your life when things were simpler. When all the clutter wasn't there and you will find that time again. Enjoy it, cherish it, and never forget it, because it will be your peace and serenity for all times. It will give you times in your life that you can stop long enough to smell the flowers, breathe the air, and look around you and find the wonderment of life!
Enjoy!

Online dating

Now this is a new experience for me, I don’t know if I’ll be able to do this very well, but I’m giving it a try because my very good friend told me that it’s okay.

Unfortunately she didn’t tell me all the pitfalls to it or how it affects you, but it sure is a new way of dating.
In the olden days you would meet people by going out somewhere and you’d never have the chance to really know the person inside before you got to date them, you just followed the chemistry thing and hoped for the best.
Of course I was a teenager the last time I dated and now I’m turning 59 in a couple of weeks. This is all strange for me and I’m a little apprehensive about the whole thing, but I guess nothing ventured, nothing gained.

So here’s another story or maybe it’s just an excerpt from my life as it is now.

I joined the first on line dating site because it had the cheapest prices and I thought because I’m a baby boomer myself, I thought it was a bit apropos to go with a site that had a name like that.

At first I filled out all of the profile things and found it quite amusing that someone could sit there and actually write all kinds of things about themselves and not feel conceited or like you’re tooting your own horn so to speak but there are thousands of people out there doing this I guess.
It almost felt like I was trying to sell myself to the highest bidder! Wow, that’s a concept I hadn’t thought about until just now.
Never the less, I filled out the profile and about a week later I got the courage to pick pictures of myself that I didn’t think were completely grotesque.
Believe it or not, I had quite a few Hits (as they call them) without a picture, but mostly from people without pictures too.
I guess I didn’t like that and that is why I finally said to myself that I am serious about this whole dating thing and I put my picture out there.
Well, I started to panic because I got so many hits I couldn’t believe that there were that many lonely people out there.
Well I guess I was wrong. People of all shapes and sizes and personalities too.
I was starting to panic. I didn’t know if I was supposed to answer all these people or I was supposed to wait for winks, or e-mails or he noticed you kind of thing so I kept taking myself off the site and closing it down because as I said, I panicked.
Next best thing, I call my friends and had them come out to my house for a training session.
The one friend who had been doing this for awhile, was pretty helpful even over the phone, but I was still confused.

Then they came out to the house so I made them dinner to bribe them to help me. ( Although they would have come anyway)
Now we start sitting down and my other friend showed me how to get to the online people and talk to them, but that wasn’t such a great idea.

I won’t even think about trying to date long distance in the first place since the last romance that was very short lived from going to a class reunion, completely fell apart because of distance. Long story.

Anyway, she started to talk to people one after the other only picking people from Illinois so that I could date them if I wanted to and she told everyone that she was doing this for her friend who wasn’t familiar with all of this.
I’ll bet she chose 7-8 different men for me and some seemed nice and I found out later that some weren’t.
One man gave me instructions on how to shorten my profile and cut to the chase because truthfully guys don’t look at these things, they read a few lines and move on, it’s all about the pictures to them. So of course I listened and the next day I did shorten it. I also thanked the man and although he really wasn’t interested in me because I was much too far away from him, it was nice advice and he was a genuine person.

Of course there is the other side of the coin too, when the next morning I got an e-mail I guess you called it from another one that she contacted and was talking to and he made some off the wall comments that we must be girls playing games and that we must be girls that get off on stroking guys around. I immediately said that the conversation was over and I clicked off. Then he kept sending more snide remarks and it finally ended when I said I think you have some real issues and he called me white trash. I then blocked him and he kept trying to get me to respond more and I wouldn’t answer but curiosity made me read some of the e-mails he kept sending. Although he apologized for the first girl off color remarks, that is when he called me white trash instead. I think he had some anger problems.

Never the less, From then on, I was just commenting to people who had kind faces and nice smiles at first even though I was still so unsure who I am actually supposed to respond to.
I did tell them all about my cane, so I didn’t want to push myself off on to anyone who wasn’t interested in me because of it.
So yes, I was very insecure about who wanted to really talk to me and who was just looking at my profile.

It's a very hard thing to do after 40 years! Not sure if you should, not sure if you shouldn't and all the time thinking about why you have been subjected to this manner of dating at all.

Never the less, it's getting to be an experience and maybe it will be worth it in the long run, but right now I'm just looking for someone to enjoy time with as my girlfriends keep saying. But if I want to be honest, I am secretly looking for that long term relationship with someone who will fall madly in love with me and think I still look pretty darn good to him. That's all.
I want a friend first that knows me and loves me and will accept me for who I am, not who I once was. Someone who truly knows that beauty is really in the eye of the beholder, cause let's face it, at this age you really have to have that kind of perspective if you know what I mean.

I sit some days and reflect on my life and all it has shown me. I think of the things that I have been taught throughout my life through; Love, disappointment, embarrassment, shame, hatred, abuse, hurt, laughter, breathless moments, tenderness, compassion, pride, honesty, and the comfort of family and friends.
As I think of these things, I see where it has taken me, who I have become or grown into.
So when I think about the Life is for the Living statement, I wonder sometimes where my family went the day my husband passed away? I wonder sometimes why without my husband no longer in my life why I am not seen as a person who stands alone? A person who has feelings, who wants to live and feel life again and all it has to offer! Why I have become nothing without my other half?
I know that my friends and family love me, I know that they care about me and yet I feel so alone in my struggle to move on. I feel this great emptiness that my children can't fill because they have a life I once had when I was viable and accepted but only accepted because I was a part of something not because I was an individual, a person unique unto myself.
A person who is strong, independent and able to leap tall buildings in a single bound, but I am nothing now that I have no other half...
Should I have died the day my husband passed away? Should I have given up on life just because he didn't have a chance to continue on? Should I always think that I wasn't in this world to make a difference or make a statement?
Or should I just think that I am a force to be reckoned with and I can make a difference and I am that person who was something before, and still am a very viable and a Living soul.
I wish I didn't turn into the child of a child syndrome that I believe I am seeing.
What time are you coming home, where are you going and with whom?
Just because I am independent and able to cope with life and death, why have I become insignificant? Why is not okay for me to move on? Why am I not acceptable without my husband?
I am a person with so many feelings and so much that I still want to do and express and yet the bursting in my soul is overwhelming. I think, I breathe and therefore I am is who I feel like!
I didn't choose these paths in my life that I have been given, but they are there and I must follow them. I must understand them. I must keep taking those paths of life as God had planned for me.
I believe that the moving on for my children is hard because they feel they are being disloyal to their fathers memory if they allow their mother to move on, and it is another harsh realization that their father is no longer with us! "Dear God, he's really never coming home"........
I believe that me moving on is just not the right time for them, but I ask myself when is the right time or will there ever be a right time?
I believe that I have never been a self centered person and I have always in every circumstance put my family above my own needs. I put their father above my own needs, desires, and dreams! I loved him unselfishly even through all the bad times. I always took the families needs, wants, & dreams into consideration first and foremost. I give and give to my family and maybe they sometimes just can't see all that I have done for them throughout their lives. Maybe they have not matured enough yet to see where I am at? Maybe their lives are just so full with young children and daily activities that they just don't need any more drama coming at them from any more places in their lives? I was there once, I lived their lives once. but to forget where you came from and how much I was a huge part of their lives, how I and their father together taught them some good lessons in life and taught them that family is always going to be there for you when the rest of the world walks away, so how did they forget I am STILL HERE!!!!!
I don't need a lot of their time, I just need to know that they approve of me, that they know that I will inevitably make the right decisions and even if I don't, I will pay the consequences for my actions in my life, I will never expect them to.
So as I reflect on the beauty that I have been blessed to receive in my life, I reflect on a life that needs to make that circle of life keep evolving, keep moving forward, keep changing. Whether my changes are good or bad, I am the keeper of my soul and I think it's pretty valuable so I'll be watching out for it, but I will never expect more from them but their support in all my endeavors of my future. I will expect that they care enough about me to see that it's okay for me to be happy again.

So as I move forward as I've always tried to do in my life, I know that I will have battles to win or loose, I will have rewards and disappointments as always, I will have excitement, fun, love, laughter, tears of sadness and tears of joy, but as long as my family and friends are always beside me, I will have all I've ever needed to keep being ME!